Blockbuster Employee, Tamagotchi Hand Model, Rugrats Baby…what can’t I do?

Photo by Victoria Borodinova on Pexels.com

Every day I’d start up the popcorn machine and happily pitch Baby’s Day Out to my heart’s content. I’d also get five free video rentals a week, so I could rent The Mask five times without any late fees. “Somebody stop me!” I would joke to my coworker Jerry, who moonlights at the bowling alley. But Jerry knows I’m unstoppable.

Sure, my hands are adorable. But it’s not just about looks — it’s about experience. And I think a Kuchipatchi Tamagotchi would feel safe if it was cradled in the palm of my hands. …


“I am I lost” by Nathan McBride © Unsplash

Do you aspire to be a chill parent? Are you worried that if you name your child “John” or “Karen,” they’ll grow up to be a semi-successful real estate agent instead of a freelance mountain climber like their old man? From “Herringbone” to “Twill,” I’ve rounded up 10 unique baby names and offered an illuminating glimpse into your child’s future.

Upon first meeting Whitman, he will proudly announce that he has never owned a television or even glanced at a computer. …


I’m also “happy” to announce I’ll be attending every Disney 23 Expo until I shed this mortal coil.

“Harrison Ford” by Gage Skidmore per Creative Commons.

Yeah, alright. It’s me. Acting legend Harrison Ford. You might know me from movies like Indiana Jones, Morning Glory, etc. Let’s skip the formalities. I’m here today because my publicist asked me to release a statement about my continued involvement in those Star Wars flicks.

I know. This probably comes as no small surprise, considering that my character, Han Solo, is dead.

And listen, I was begging for that guy to get killed off for decades. Solo was supposed to be a one-page bit. Day one, I told George to grow a pair and follow through on Greedo actually shooting…


7) Wait, do you have more followers than me?

A man and woman embrace on their wedding day, with the sunlight peeking through the trees behind them.
A man and woman embrace on their wedding day, with the sunlight peeking through the trees behind them.
Man Wears White Polo Shirt Close-up Photography by Orione Conceição

Ordinarily, I would rail against the patriarchal tradition of women taking men’s last names, but my Great Uncle was the Finger Lakes Killer — yes, the serial killer who ate fingers, don’t look at me like that, Greg — and I think it would be best for both of us if we distance ourselves as much as possible from the last name “McFinkle.”

I know I’ve asked this before, but your answer always feels forced. Mr. Toe Beans has had really low self-esteem ever since we started dating and I’m just worried you two won’t get along long-term. Just tell…


Amelia Bedelia’s first backyard patio hang.

Anonymous guy rolling up joint on street by Enric Cruz López on Pexels

“Amelia Bedelia! So glad you could show.”

I welcomed her to my backyard,

Teeming with grass, unmowed.

“These are my friends, Jeff and Blaire,”

I said as my neighbors waved

From mismatched beach chairs.

“I’m happy to be here!”

said Amelia Bedelia.

“I never party, just to be clear.”

“Do you ever drink liquor? Even a drop?”

I asked, as my Dollar Tree

String lights flickered up top.

“It seems hard to get drunk, one drop at a time,”

She said, as I offered her

A Bud Light Lime.

“Oh, Amelia Bedelia, that’s a good point.”

We laughed with wide…


HUMOR

Life is hard under the weight of all these Olympic medals

Woman in Black Crew Neck Shirt Wearing White Earbuds by cottonbro.

You’re probably dying to know why my name keeps popping up all over the internet, but I don’t like to brag. Every time I talk about my accomplishments girls roll their eyes and walk away, which isn’t very “women supporting women” of them. The truth is, I’m not like other girls.

From the day I was born I knew how to read. The medical community was blown away, but my mom always knew I was gifted. …


HUMOR

For 10 years I bit my tongue

“Man in White Shirt Using Macbook Pro” by Tim Gouw on Pexels.com

I know “Game of Thrones” is my next favorite show, and I haven’t even seen it yet. For ten years, I’ve been plugging my ears and blocking friends on social media so that I could eventually watch the critically acclaimed series without a single spoiler.

But it seems like I can’t go anywhere without some random nerd wearing a wolf shirt or meme-ing their beloved “Night King.” So let me be loud and clear, if I hear one more “Game of Thrones” spoiler I’m going to kick your ass.

In some ways, my viewing experience has already been ruined beyond…


SATIRE

Every Tim Robinson spec needs at least one mudpie

“Netflix” by vickygharat on Pixabay.

INT. BASEMENT — NIGHT

JOEY (Tim Robinson) sits on a couch watching TV. A commercial for “River Mountain High” blares from the screen.

JOEY: Wow, this show really went off the rails when they killed Principal S.

Suddenly, a GENIE (Sam Richardson) appears in a cloud of smoke.

JOEY: What the heck?

GENIE: Joey Simpson, I am here to grant you 3 wishes.

JOEY (waves the purple smoke away from his eyes): Don’t set off smoke machines in Uncle Billy’s basement. He hates that.

GENIE: I’m not using a smoke machine. I’m a genie.

JOEY: Okay…?

GENIE: On your 8th…


I just wanted to reach out and clarify what this audition is for so I can get into the right headspace.

Golden Retriever by aganyga, per Pixabay

Hi there! I’m a golden retriever and my name is Buddercup! I’ve been acting since I was on puppy kibble, so you might have seen me in movies like Airbuddies, Super Buddies, and X Men’s Dark Phoenix. I wanted to reach out over email because I saw a notice that read: Casting Call for Golden Retrievers in Live-Action Disney Film. I clicked to read more, and I wanted to know, is this a casting call for Pluto or Goofy?

I’m only asking because the casting call mentions an upcoming Disney Plus film called Mickey Mouse: Origins. Whether I get the…


Even as it languished in the lowest levels of the Vault, Lady and the Tramp believed in the lasting cultural impact of its spaghetti scene.

Assorted-title Movie Case Lot by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

4. Bambi (1942): This elderly, adorable classic is still taking three forms of medication to quell nightmares from years spent in solitary confinement. Before it was re-released on Disney Plus, its only solace came in 2006 when it was let out on parole for 70 days to celebrate its 70th birthday. In that brief window of time, Bambi followed Mariah Carey on MySpace and watched a Wednesday matinee of The Pink Panther with a senior…

Meghan Cook

sketch writer, stand-up, that person who writes those “Every Paul Rudd Movie Ranked” articles

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