Disney Classics, Ranked by How Much They Fear the Disney ‘Vault’

Even as it languished in the lowest levels of the Vault, Lady and the Tramp believed in the lasting cultural impact of its spaghetti scene.

4. Bambi (1942): This elderly, adorable classic is still taking three forms of medication to quell nightmares from years spent in solitary confinement. Before it was re-released on Disney Plus, its only solace came in 2006 when it was let out on parole for 70 days to celebrate its 70th birthday. In that brief window of time, Bambi followed Mariah Carey on MySpace and watched a Wednesday matinee of The Pink Panther with a senior discount. Today, the film loves sharing its nature-filled story of flowers and friendship with a new generation of fans. Nightmares are never far away, but in its old age Bambi fears the slow creep of death more than it fears returning to the dreaded Vault.

3. The Lion King (1994): A critically-acclaimed crown jewel of the Disney collection, The Lion King has spent more time out of the Vault than any other film. Between it’s Platinum Special Edition VHS/DVD release in 2003, its Diamond Edition Blu-ray 3D debut in 2011, and its rumored Gold Edition Holographic revamp coming in 2024, this animated feature has little to complain about compared to its peers. However, The Lion King resents the Vault because its college credits didn’t transfer over from the 2017 to 2020 course catalogue and their counselor counts years in the Vault as “gap years.”

2. Lady and the Tramp (1955): This sweet and scrappy love story has enjoyed many days in the sun, from its multiple theatrical runs to its cutting-edge Laser Disc release in the late 80s, where it hit the party scene and discovered cocaine away from the peering eyes of Disney Corp. Through the ups and downs, Lady and the Tramp always felt superior to other animated classics even as it languished in the lowest levels of the Vault, because it believed in the lasting cultural impact of its spaghetti scene. Its recent freedom on Disney Plus has been bittersweet, as a generation of Tessa Thompson loving tweens celebrate its less-offensive CGI remake and threaten to send it hurtling back into an iron-clad prison of obscurity.

1.Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937): The first Disney classic ever made is still alive and kicking, but countless decades in the Vault have left it rattled. If you ask it to name all its dwarves it will respond, “Sleepy, Hippy, Stinky, Cheese Wheel, Tough Guy, Keith...that’s seven, right?” This 84-year-old finds strength in its independence, even though its freedom is a mirage and Disney still holds power of attorney. Traumatized by its dark days in the Vault, Snow White is currently seeking legal counsel to take Disney to trial for kidnapping. Just don’t reach out to it if you’re a female attorney, because the poor, sweet thing still believes women are best kept cooking, cleaning, or lying in a coma.

sketch writer, stand-up, that person who writes those “Every Paul Rudd Movie Ranked” articles

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